TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have A different spot in which American Adult males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Anyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should quit applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Trump Tower Damascus Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is now attracting awareness from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down company."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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